I’m in the process of teaching myself not to give a shit about what you think about what I post. Not easy to do since I choose to post publicly, in some sense I post for the audience. As much as I love my solitude, it’s to a certain degree. Beyond that, there’s a desperation for human existence in an around my life.
My mother in law insists we move back to Turkey. I say “Oh, that’s a dream you keep touching on”. She says “Why not?”. I have no answer to satisfy her but in my head, there’s a drum banging, “my children’s education” “my children’s education” “my children’s education”. I want to say to her “Do you see they’ve taken out the Evolution Theory out of the curriculum, Wikipedia is banned, almost all of my favourite Turkish, Kurdish writers, journalists and politicians are in jail” I don’t say this to her. That’s not her worry. She wants to have her son and his family near her. She’s a mother. I don’t blame her.
There was me until I turned 35, I knew clearly Turkey wasn’t for me for a permanent living. But now, I have this awkwardness about me that I feel I can actually live in Turkey. I can manage the opposition rebel in me. I can shut up, I can block my ears, I can turn the TV off but I couldn’t possibly put my children into a position to study in Turkey while I have the chance not to.