It’s way after midnight. I couldn’t sleep. I walked into my daughter’s room, got into her bed, smelled her hair, cuddled her so tight I almost wanted her to wake up and respond. I stayed there I don’t know how long. I felt her presence in my life stronger than ever. I whispered into her ear how much I adored her. How much a child brings into a mother’s life? Just lying there next to her I felt like the daily weight that I carry on my shoulders slowly dissolved into nothingness. Nothing else mattered. I closed my eyes and imagined what she’s brought into my life in the last four years. I couldn’t describe it. I couldn’t bring myself to compare it to anything before. I walked out of her room. Browsed her baby photos, then went up to Kaan’s, then went back to her, then went back to Kaan’s…What is this feeling of being a mother? How unbelievable! How weightless! How endless!

Then I heard her calling me. Somehow she woke up and when she wakes in the middle of the night, she wants ‘mummy’…It was such a relief that she woke up. I needed to communicate with her. We cuddled, we kissed. I said “I love you” she said “I love you back”. I said “if you only can imagine how much I adore you” she said “if only you can imagine how much I adore you” and she repeated everything else I told her. This ‘in the middle of the night love affair’ has been happening in the last few nights and it’s so special, so priceless…motherhood is this…

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